A friend once told me, "Sometimes you feel the loneliest when you're in a crowded place".
And I couldn't agree more.
So I talked to one of my pretty close friend, I told her that I feel lonely. But she said that I'm saying nonsense, cause I have so many friends. When she said that, I was pretty......disappointed. When I say I'm lonely, being told that I have lots of friends isn't helping. At all. It's only deepen the scar, questioning myself, do I really have that many friends? Why I feel like I don't belong anywhere when I have many friends? Where are they when I need them the most? Why I still feel lonely if I have so many friends? Why I feel like I don't really have someone that I could really trust? Why, why, why??
Being lonely is not a matter of where you are or with whom you are hanging out with. It's about what you feel inside, about that little pang in the corner of your heart that keep on screaming, fill me, feed me. The feeling of snuggling in you little corner, cause you don't want to face the world. The feeling of wanted to belong somewhere, to fit in.The feeling of mistrust to people around you, that makes you can't tell what's really inside your mind and heart. The feeling of wanted and to be wanted. The feeling of helplessness, that you want to, but can't do. The feeling of being left behind.....
So yeah, I feel pretty much lonely, and number of friends isn't what I'm looking, it's a big hug that will fill my heart with warmth, and words that said, everything will be ok.
I talked to my little cousin, asked her which (my) song that she likes the best. She likes Sedikit Waktu and Kanvas (Canvas). And somehow today, I feel like listening to Kanvas.
I made canvas a day after my birthday. I was sitting in a bench in a book store, and the oveflown emotion was embedded into this song.
So I listened to this video that we recorded one and half year ago.
....but I can't help it. The short lived band (only two random jamming session) that I played with lingers in my mind. The bass line, the syncopation drum rhythm, all the awesomeness that happened in one band session is inevitable. Unfortunately, I still haven't got the final recording of this song, so one video that my cousin recorded is the only memory that I got, that the band session was real and my song sounds gooooood with full instrument!
FYI this is supposed to be an unlisted video since it's not the "final form", but since this is the only that I got, so here we are.
I need more music in my life. Pretty badly.
My mind is in such a messy condition at the moment. Very messy. I feel like straightening all these jumbled knots and ties in my brain (and my poor heart) but not sure where to start.
Next week will be a new Chinese year. Last year, my resolution was to record AT LEAST one of my song. But instead, I had a pretty long song writing block. But finally I made one decent song, which I still not recorded properly. You know, in a studio, with real instruments. But I was very happy that one of my friend were willing to do some... stuffs... with the song, even though we're pretty much 700 km apart. And yes, I was pretty happy with the result. So I can say that even though my resolution last year wasn't really successful, at least there's something?
Then, what's my resolution this year, in this Wood Monkey year which says I will be having a pretty bad luck?
My resolution is: To travel as much as possible. Even more, I'm planning to go to the beach (outside Jakarta). Every month. It's a pretty risky (and crazy) resolution, but let's do it. Rather than keep on stressing out about life, let's enjoy the fact that I'm living in an archipelagic country.
That's all for now.
And this is the song.
- Music:Hujan di Malam Hari
Blame it to the moody rainy season, this song happened.
To you who left and not coming back, this cheesy song is for all of you.Hujan di Malam Hari[Lyric]Ada rindu yang mengganggu
sesak yang meluap
Dan hati yang membuncah
Ada kisah yang terhenti
Pikir yang merasuk
Kemana kau pergi?
Hati terbuai rindu
Dan bibirpun melagu
Rintik hujan menemani
Walau hanya dalam bayang
Lenyap dalam rengkuhan
Hati dibuai rindu
Dan bibirpun melagu
Ku berbincang dengan pagi
Dan mengisi mimpi-mimpi
Hanya untuk membuai sesaat dan sekejap hilang
kau tak lagi kembali
Walau ku selalu disini
It's 31st December.
I'm really not looking forward to 2016. If last year I was really looking forward to 2015 due to the shittiness of 2014, this time, I feel like I'm not ready to face the new year, new challenge.
To sum up, I'm afraid, cause I feel I'm going to mess up a lot. And I don't want to be 30.
No, I'm not talking about the break up of the cute duo. But this is exactly my reaction when I watched a certain youtube video.
HOLY CRAP TRG WENT TO HIROSHIMA???
HOLY CRAP PDE (HiroDai a cappella circle) HAD A SESSION WITH TRG?
This is just absurd. When I still can't wipe "watching TRG live" from my bucket list, my a cappella circle in HiroDai actually HAD A SESSION WITH THEM?
I feel so old now, since I was there 8 years ago.
But the point is, what should I do so I can have a session with TRG too?
I'm writing this after I came back from one of my Canberra friend's wedding, which I didn't plan to attend in the beginning but ended up went anyway since I couldn't say no to my friend who asked me to go together.
Can't believe 2015 is going to end soon. It feels just yesterday I wrote about how shitty 2014 was for me.
So what is 2015 for me?
Well, it definitely a start of few things. I can say the best one is moving to my new job. But let's see next year what happen with my job.
Music wise, I had a song writing block. But thank God it's back in the last month. I haven't updated tembangcilik, but hopefully next year. I still do accompanying, but that's all. Still teach one two students, but that's all.
Business wise, fili&lino is getting busier, but I can say the management is still pretty messy. We did some clean up but yeah, pretty messy. Hopefully next year will be much better.
Social life wise.
It's funny. Just today my friend said how I was one of the most active/famous student back in Canberra. And just tonight my friend asked me to hang out. But this year I've been rejecting lots of hang out invitation, or trying to dodge until very last minute. This year marks my come back after last year's mental shenanigans, and to be honest, I still can't cope with it pretty well.
F*** romance. I mean, who ever want to be with an unattractive annoying knowing-it-all old hag, right? Damn you self esteem.
To sum up, 2016 sounds going to be another shitty year. At least that's what my Chinese horoscope says.
- Music:Knocks me off my feet
...while editing some photos for next bazaar.
I never realise the importance of good product photo until recently. If you happen to visit Fili&Lino instagram page, you'll see that there has been some change in the way we portray our product. Still far from perfect, but you can see now we're not only focusing to the product but also surrounding, what makes the product more appealing, what kind of tone, colour, composition, etc that makes your product looks good.
It's not easy, and both me and Eci are still learning and trying to figure out our style.
But looking at the increase of our follower and custom order, I think we're already within the path?
You can't beat time. You might tried your best, but time keeps on ticking, and it will not coming back.
I made a new song, and the story of the song is pretty simple: the feeling when you have to go, far from home, friends, family, for some time. Pretty similar to my previous song, Cerita Hati, but with different sentiment.
So, here it is, finally a new song!
Mengapakah kau singgah
Tak bisakah menunggu sejenak
Gundah menyambut kala
Tak ingin hari berganti
Harap pun menyapa
Namun pagi telah menepi
Dan ku harus pergi
Kapankah kau berhenti
Tahukah kau kuragu melaju
Jalinan kisah kita
Menggemuruh di dada
Menatap senyum hangatmu
Tak kuasa bertahan
- Music:Sedikit Waktu
Life is funny.
Sometimes you walk into something without knowing whether it brings something good to you or not. I think I made it obivous that I dislike my previous job soo much it's not even funny. But if I didn't take my previous job, I will not have my present job. And If I haven't had my present job, I might not...
Life is funny.
You thought life isn't fair but at the end, you received something better. You thought you're on top of the world, yet it brings you sorrow. In that moment, you don't know whether the decision that you made is good or not. Sometimes, much later in life, you reflect what you have done, and you can say, "I took a good decision".
I sometime questions, why I didn't do this, why I do that. Why I choose this, and why I didn't choose that. Why we just met now not back then.
But life is funny, and I intend to laugh with it. And yes, I'll play along.
*(adj) gloomy, grim, blue, depressed, dispirited, down(p), downcast, downhearted, down in the mouth, low, low-spirited.
Filled with melancholy and despondency
1. I like a Justin Bieber song, and the song stuck in my head.
2. I'm having a song writing block.
And somehow it annoys me.
It's a big fat lie.
If you read my LJ in the past years, you'll find ups and downs, emotional roller coaster. I openly admit, I'm not fine. If people asks me "How are you", it actually pretty hard for me to say "I'm fine" cause it's a lie. But of course I can't say "I'm a total train wreck" cause it'll make the conversation awkward (plus I had my lesson that not even my close friends are ready to be thrown my baggage). So I sometimes answered "Ok" or "tired".
I try to understand things. Subconsciously, just like the song "Something Good", I believe that what I do will affect what I "receive". If I do good, then something good will happen to me too. The problem is, no matter how much I try to be good, I always think that I'm not a good person. I do terrible unforgivable things. No matter how much I tried, I can't control my emotions, and it makes me feel that I'm a bad person. I don't deserve all the good things in life.
And believe me, the feeling of disliking yourself is the worst feeling ever.
It's rainy Sunday evening today. My stomach hurts, and so does my heart. Tomorrow morning I have to wakeup, go to work, smile, and pretend that nothing's happened.
Click me, click meeee!
Some of you might already know that I do craft. Quite a lot. So when I met filiciummylife and decided to make Fili&Lino, it's not really a surprise. But after 3 years, seems like we're getting pretty serious, so here we are now, having our own website.
The mobile web is still pretty weird, online shop is still not there, but we're trying to fix it.
So don't forget to visit us and have a look to our products.
- Mood:badan remuk
- Music:Bernhoft - Sunday
I have a theory that the more you are busy with something, the more you are active on social media. This theory has been proved for too many times.... by myself of course, which shows the lack of reliability of this theory.But really, for years, when I'm busy with something, whether it's school work or office job, I always find myself being more... creative? Or ended up doing something. Exhibit A. I've been wanted to have a new bag for ages but too lazy to start. But suddenly when I feel utterly busy and tired, like the past weeks, I ended up making a new bag! And this is not the first time it happened. Exhibit B. I was busy with my master's thesis, and what did I do? Initiating tembangcilik. Probably it's the adrenaline rush, or the high tension, or the emotion, I don't know. I always ended up being busier than what I supposed to be.
Yup, life has been pretty crazy in the past month. September third and fourth week was the worst. Three bazaars, accompanying, work load, poof, I was down down down. October, office events, procurements, office load. So far so good, but let's see next week. Next month... let's not think about next month.
I'm addicted to Whose LIne Is It Anyway. I think I haven't laughed that much since ages. Thanks Colin Mochrie and Ryan Stiles. And Wayne Brady, he's damn talented. Crazily talented! I also watched improvaganza. Genius! All those comedians are superbly smart people who can improve and think that fast and witty.
It's on people! IT'S FINALLY ON! www.filiandlino.com
. Check it out! No online shopping at the moment, but we're getting there.
I'm sleepy. Ta ta for now!
Continuing my post four months ago
, one of my dream was finally come true.
I watched The Sound of Music musical production. Live.
I think I've watched The Sound of Music (movie, of course) more than 20 times. I remembered one day when I was around 13 (I think), I visited my uncle's house and that time, he played this old movie with some nuns singing. I was struck. What kind of sorcery is this? Such a wonderful melody with amazing harmony! I asked my dad what movie is that, and he bought me The Sound of Music (pirated) VCD. And that's it. That's the turning point. My life wasn't the same anymore: I found the wonderful world of Musicals and I'm in love with it. With the wonderfully slow dial up internet, I gathered infomation about the movie, the story, I even made the lyric booklet of the songs! And yes, Vienna, Salzburg, or Austria in general was on top of my "must visit" list.
But it didn't stop there, people! That little me who found about broadway and live musical theater (thanks to TSoM!) made a pact, that one day, I will watch The Sound of Music in Broadway. Or just visit Broadway. Or watch musical production, anything, anywhere!
I watched my first musical when I was in Singapore circa 2006, it was My Fair Lady. I was soooo happy that I could watch a real musical producation that unconsciously my eye became teary. But since then, nothing. I didn't watch any musical in Japan, nor in Australia (I was too busy catching all those lovely a cappella concerts and live all around Australia's east coast XD).
And suddenly, present day, Jakarta, probably looking at the increase of "kelas menengah ngehe" (middle income society), event organisers started to bravely show international musical production in Jakarta. Well, they weren't wrong. The market is definitely there, supported with a very good venue and good publication, I think the first international tour production that was showed in Jakarta, The Beauty and the Beast ,did pretty well. And thanks to the event organiser, one of my childhood dream was finally came true.
On Tuesday, 6 October 2015, I watched The Sound of Music musical production, in Jakarta (not Broadway or West End). It's London Palladium/Really Useful Group production and boy, I love it to bits. I don't care that at that time I was superbly tired from work, nor the fact that I went there alone (cause I'm just too lazy to find someone to go with). I enjoyed my self, I was singing by myself the whole show (poor people next to me), and I was mesmerised by....pretty much everything.
I started the first week of my 29 by fulfilling one of my childhood dream, and nothing can beat it.
ps: the ticket was damn expensiiiiiive, but IDC.
- Music:My Favourite Things
Here I am, on the day 1 of my last twenty-something year. Looking back time, I think so far 2015 has been doing pretty ok for me. At least I'm not unemployed and Fili&Lino is going forward...veery slowly, but going forward nontheless!
So what happened in the past year?
- I finally have a better job with better challenge and position (I even have a subordinate! It's crazy!)
- Fili&Lino is going to launch a website soon
- After years, I finally performed something classical, and I think I nailed it. After three years not playing classical music, it surely feels good.
But on the other hand..
- I haven't got any vacation this year
- Tokyo Jihen is still disbanding
- People are getting married, including my besties (and yes, I'm sad that she's not coming back to Jakarta but going the middle of nowhere, following her husband)
Life, hopefully 29 will do me good. Another year, another year.
My credit card data was stolen. I don't know how but suddenly my dad got a notification that I just had a transaction with amount usd 200 from an online travel site. Even though I've been craving to travel somewhere, I wasn't that crazy by buying a ticket somewhere during my hectic days. So yeah, it was definitely a scam. My dad then called the bank to cancel the transaction, cause it's an unauthorized transaction. My card then was blocked and (after 4 weeks!) I got a new card.
But two days ago, I got the billing, and there was not only one transaction, but four unauthorized unrecognized f******ly annoying transactions. The total bill was IDR 7.6 million (around USD 500 according to recent currency rate) and yes, it's a lot. So my dad tried to contact the bank again (because my card is a subsidiary card from my dad's card, so he has to be the one who authorised all information given to the bank). We already filed all the necessary documents, not sure what will happen next.
The morale of the story is, if you want to go travelling, just buy the ticket. Don't wait until you unknowingly buy a ticket for other people. And yes, I'm being sarcastic.
There are quite a lot of things that I'd like to write here actually, from Inside Out, my new job, my visit to some informal schools, my friend who's getting married, and more. But at the moment, I feel heavy (literally) and in my low point of life. I feel like shouting and throw things, but I love things in my little room, I don't want to break anything. I want to cry the shit out of me but I did that already, and it only made my nose stuffed and I can't breath properly, which is bad for someone with sinusitis. I feel like blurting all these things that make me in agony and feeling restless, but I'm not brave enough to openly say it to anyone.
So what's the point of this post? I don't know. I just need to write something, at least acknowledge that I don't feel good, nor happy, and I'm still trying to find peace and happiness within me.
But probably it's time to find some help?
ps: I really wish September ends as soon as possible.
When I was a kid, one of my dream was to visit Disney World in Florida. Just like other kids, I love theme parks! I love coasters, flume rides, and others. When I was in junior high (or high school? I forgot), I made this article on "World's Best Coaster" or something like that. I was amazed with how many roller coaster Cedar Point has (since Dufan, theme park in Jakarta, only has one small and one big coaster).
Time skip, I went to uni, I went to Universal Studios Japan. On Holiday. By myself. Was not a pretty smart move, since it was PACKED and I was alone. But dang Jurassic Park Flume Ride was pretty good. But that's all, specially because I had to line for hours to be on the ride. Time skip again, I went to Movie World with my parents. I wasn't very prepared when I had the Superman ride. It's the first time I had a launched coaster, and it was faaasst, and my poor heart. I thought I was soo damn ready for adrenaline, but I was wrong. I did the Arkham Asylum, my first floorless coaster. I closed my eyes for the whole ride! Thank God Green Lantern and Scooby Doo was pretty tame... or is it because I had superman and Arkham as my first two rides? Brave, I am not.
Time skip, now. I spent like hours watching theme park reviews on youtube, watching all those POV roller coeaster videos, from Kingda ka to Ee jyanaika. Maaan, it was sick. I was so glued to my (phone) screen it's not even healthy. I now have this urged to hop on roller coaster, but not sure where. But I'm sure once I hope on those coaster, I will rethink my decision in life and question my self: what the f*** I'm doing here? Then after drops and loops and crazy turns, I will say to my self, no more roller coaster!
Then time will skip, and I will watch theme park review again, and I will feel like hopping on some roller coaster, and will question my decision, and so on and so on.
Brave, I am not. But human, never learn.