It has been years since the looming feeling of inadequacy usurping my mind. I often doubt my own capability, question my own skill, distrust my own opinion, and it intensified in the past half year.
I have been trying my best to climb out that deep well of insecurity, but every time I climb 2 steps, somehow I keep on falling back 3 steps. It feels like I am stuck in this web of string that keeps me not going anywhere. I need to get out, or a helping hand to take me out.
And here I am, still in the same blog that I made more than a decade ago, trying to find a refuge in a familiar place while cocooning under my bed cover and listening to DEH soundtrack. The combination of insecurity, inadequacy, the feeling of nothingness...
Will I be found?
Sorry, I'm in the mood of shouting in Bahasa Indonesia.
I'm pissed. Like, totally pissed. To people. Or certain people, who not only talked about me behind my back, but also ensure that anyone who seems like a threat for this person would be talked and smeared.
I'm pissed, because this person could not accept that there are different views in life, that this person's view or opinion might not be the best. That this person could be wrong. That this person could not apprehend the difference in life by always showing that this person knows the best, know everything, that this person has lots of power over other people.
I'm pissed, because my favourite people became the victim of the vicious words and twisted minds. That we had to deal with the darkness emitted from this person's soiled heart.
I'm pissed, because no matter how much I try, I couldn't get this person out of my periphery.
But like Michelle Obama said, when they go low, we go high. You might tried your best to ensure we feel like we know nothing. But guess what? Probably it is time for you to lower your head, be humble, and acknowledge that people do not like you because of you, not us. Meanwhile, we will still continue our life surrounded by people who love us, who care about us, and who ensure we all grow together.
It is one of my biggest fear, to feel that I am insignificant, that I am nothing. And how lucky I am to feel that from someone that I care effing much (yes, I am being sarcastic). That after all this time, all the effort to ease your mind, to make you laugh, to ensure that you are OK, were just for.... nothing. Not even a single "Thank you for your support" or "Thank you for all your thoughts". Nothing.
But that's fine. I knew it will just ended up like this. Just like you said, I am not special. My function is replaceable. So good to know that you have all these people that support you. I will be around, and I will be here if you need anything...
...even though you make me feel like I am nothing.
We often neglect things that without realising it, it matters the most to us. Friendship, kindness, something that for lots of people are just a very common thing, might be something precious for others. In the past weeks, I realised that I was surrounded with great friends who cares for me deeply. People that will be there during my ups and downs, shoulders to cry on, people who reach out to me and ensure that I am OK.
For everyone who has been there for me, thank you. From deep down inside. I will try to not take it for granted, that may all your kindness will be replied by other greatness.
For everyone who hasn't been there for me, thank you. I finally know what friendship is for you.
I just had a three days off and on my last day now. I had a great time, I was with my best friends, now I'm on my hotel bed, and suddenly I feel panic. I don't know why. I feel like crying.
What should I do?
and I don't know what to do about those ideas. Who to talk with, who to discuss with. Ideas about innovation, apps, etc. Ideas that I already have for ages, and I am afraid it will only ended up in my mind or in my notebook. I have been searching where I can share ideas and people can pick up my ideas to be realised, but I am not sure. I still want some ownership of my ideas.
A friend told me last week that I should be egoistical sometimes, that I have to think about myself too and not being too nice. "Why should you care about other people if it's not reciprocal?" Cause in the end, I deserved to be cared too.
I thought friendship isn't about taking for granted, it's about empathy, the willingness to listen, to reach out. To care. A mutual interaction that is based on honesty and a degree of trust.
I care, and like what I have said many times, I will support as much as I could. And it's pretty obvious that you don't have the mutual perspective. "How are you", "Are you OK?", "How was your day?" were never out from you.
And in the end, I have become a list, a tick off. If this is what friendship is, an interaction based on a list, an obligation to fulfill your sense of daily achievement, then I do not want it.
You asked whether I expected a "You're welcome". The answer is no. What I expect is a "What's your story today?" or a "I had a shitty day. Care to listen to my rant"?. What I expect is a human relationship that comes from the heart, not from compulsion.
Probably I'm asking too much. Probably I'm the one who's wrong, pushing you too hard to be someone that you are not: someone who cares.
So here I am. Waving and bowing down, to mark an end of a chapter.
I was on my friend's car when I heard Subaru's Words after like... a decade. The simplicity of the whole song, the music, the voice, the rawness of the production, I just love it. And after a decade, I just read that the song was a live recording after Subaru wrote the song. On the spot. In only one take.
Then why I wrote about this? We all know it's the end of an era for Eighters. The end of the "have fun go mad" era that was hit hard by the reality of fame and want. Life keeps on going, and sometimes changes are unavoidable. But human beings are very adaptive and permeable. When life gives you lemon, you either make a lemonade, make an infused water, or put it on your face as a face mask.
The point is, Words is a feel good song that somehow make me realised how life have changed since the first time I heard that song.
Space bar is important, it's the one that make this sentence readable instead of lookinglikethis. Space is what makes the sentence logical, that even though there are blank spaces between words, it's actually what makes the sentence intact and feel complete. We may think it as given, but looking at how long the space bar is, we can see how important space bar is: we must be able to reach it, whether we type with left or right hand.
Just like life itself, space is needed. To have a room to breath, to have the audacity of our own thoughts, to have an area to stretch our hands. Hence why I like minimalist approach for my photos. Those negative spaces and the contrast between the elements? Definitely my thing.
But then unlike sentences, sometimes I do not want space. Sometimes I just want to cram in an embrace, cry out loud, and being told that everything will be OK.
I know it's been a while, simply because I was hesitant with the new EULA. But I can't help it, I need a place for me to vent, so I thought, whatever. I'll just say I agree so I can use this blog again.
So what happened with me in the past few years? Lots of things, but unfortunately music is not there. I give up. I lost to the reality that I'm not going anywhere, and my music will not be listened by more people. So I give up.
What's there is photography. My new artistic vent. But I am pretty sure it's not going far either.
And here I am, in my old journal.
Day 16 of officially trying to love myself. I try to keep a log of things that makes me happy (almost) every day. So far so good. I survived pms too! I realised being alone and keep everything with you is not good. So everytime I start feeling down, I just text my friends, randomly. Find someone to talk to and make holiday plans. That works.
So what happened in my life so far? Well, Last Week Tonight with John Oliver is back, so it's a big yay. And Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer is gold. Well, what can I say? The world (especially US politics) has been veeeryy interesting lately. No wonder we got lots of gold commedy bit. Btw have you checked everysecoundcounts
What else? Work occupy my days and nights. But that's ok. I made three new songs already in 2017, two of them are collaboration, which makes it better. I want to make more songs! And perform, and sing, and do music. We'll do it later, ok?
I think that's all. Not looking forward to the local election.
2017 started in a hard way, literally.
Friday last week I went back home with online motorcyle taxi, like I always do every day. But the night was wet after the rain. In fact, it was still drizzling here and there. The driver went pretty fast on a slippery road, and it seemed like he passed through something bumpy on the road. I was thrown up and fell down from the motorcycle in the middle of the road. The driver didn't fall though. I tried to stand from the ground, my head was painful, and my clothes was wet. I took off the helmet and felt a pretty big bump in my head. Another motorcycle driver offered to take me to the nearest clinic and I said, no I want to go to emergency ward. It was drizzling a little bit, so I stop a taxi instead and asked the driver to drove me to the nearest hospital.
In the hospital I submit myself to the emergency, and Thank God the security at the hospital was very helpful. I sat in one of the hospital bed, waiting for the doctor to checked me. I was shivering very hard, then I cried. Pretty bad. I was panic, I was alone, I couldn't reach my dad's phone. And in those moment, I felt like, what if...? There are so many things that I haven't done, so many people that I have hurt, so many dreams that I haven't even started yet.
And that was the time when I feel so lonely. Gosh, I went to the emergency ward by myself after I had a motorcycle accident. How lonely does it sounds?
I was very thankful to a lady at the hospital who tried to calmed me, soothed me. Soon after that my boss whose house is nearby the hospital arrived, then my family. Glad to know the ct scan result was good, so I could directly went back home.
A week later, which is today, I found myself, saturday night, at my bed, feeling miserable. Curse you, PMS and all those hormones! But I know it's not only that. Things happened, and probably I just tired, fed up, angry, and a bunch other adjectives. Tried making a guide track for a song that I just wrote, but my left wrist still hurt after the accident. Dang.
Have I said my Chinese new year resolution? Since three years ago, instead of doing the usual year resolution, I do a Chinese new year resolution. No difference at all, except that at least I had another three weeks after 1 January to decide my resolution.
And this year, my resolution is to love myself.
I think all these rage and rolling coaster of emotion was rooted from one thing: that I dislike myself. So I will try to embrace me, accept my flaw and move forward. But first, let me do some googling on how to love myself.
- Music:Kita Pernah Tertawa Bersama
Its December 27th already, time for my year end notes.
So what happened this year?
I think it's pretty clear that 2016 has been punching us, the global citizen of the world, pretty hardly. Things that happened in my country, in the world, somehow strengthen the dichotomy between groups, ideas, people. Different is good, but it's how people embarce those difference is what worries me the most. Not everyone can accept difference. Problem will raise when people start to see their version of truth is the correct one and push people to agree with them, without being open to the idea that there might be some other kind truth out there. Sometimes, just merely acknowledging difference can make a big deal, can you imagine how awesome it is if people not only acknowledge, but also embrace and understand difference?
Well personal wise, I think 2016 is pretty ok, better than 2015. Still some hiccup, but overall, it went pretty ok.
But if there's one thing that can represent 2016 for me, it would be this.
This is my dream for years, to record my song properly. This song, Kanvas, is the song that I actually don't want to listen anymore. It hurts. But recording this song, I somehow learned how to deal with the past and move forward. I was very lucky and grateful to meet and find people that I can work with this song.
Other than this, everything pretty much stable. Work, finance, not much different from last year.
Next year will be a pretty busy year for me for the first half year. But I already decided, I will continue recording songs. I don't know how, but I will.
Remember when I said I finally recorded my original song? Well, after two months of back and forth with the videographer (cause they promised the video will be finished by first week of October but look where we are now....), the video is ready! And it is now already sat nicely on youtube, waiting any random people to see it.
Kanvas is a song about unintentional mistakes, untractable words, unerasable memories, and a hope for things to be back like it used to before. But deep down, we all know, no matter how hard we try, it will never come back.
For us, musicians, amateur or pro, there's nothing that we want except for being heard. So please, have a look. Give me a chance, your 1 minute time. If you don't like it, stop it, and grateful if you could tell me what are the things that you don't like. If you like it, grateful if you could forward it to people that you think will like it too.
"Kanvas is filled, strokes are wandering, what has happened, cannot be undo"
Drum: Waldo Shariff
Mastering Engineer: Benjamin Gallagher
Vocal, Keyboard, Bass, and Drum recorded at Roemah Iponk Studio
Back vocal recorded at Dasa V
Acoustic and Wah Guitar recorded at HAW Hamburg Tonlabor
Find the song at
Do you have that song that somehow....seep into your mind and soul, that you keep on playing inside your head even though you are not listening to that song physically?
It happened to me this week.
A friend introduced me to Crowd Lu, a Taiwanese singer 8 years ago. I don't understand the lyric, but I was hooked! Love the chord progressions, the nuance. everything. Last week, I met my friend again and he showed me Crowd Lu's new album, What a Folk!!!. I listened to the whole album once. Then somehow, there's a melody that stucks in my mind, but I'm not really sure which song. So I listened the album again, and found the culprit.
It's 結婚鑽戒 (Wedding Ring) and when my friend told me the story of the song, it' sad AF.
And now, somehow I can't pass a day without listening to the song. Damn me and my "galau"ness.
So this is the song.
It feels like it's such a waste if I didn't put the song on YouTube. I was actually planning to have a video of this song up on YouTube, but something came up, and the plan to have a video up on YouTube was.....postponed....indefinitely.
So instead, I dug YouTube on how to make a lyric video, and very happy to know that there are heaps of tutorial on how to make it on PowerPoint, pretty much one of 4 software that I have legally on my laptop....
This is the result, the PowerPoint lyric video that I made in 12 hours (well, it's more like 7 hours making and 5 hours watching tutorial and googling on how to do things -______-)
Thanks a lot!
Mkeretaterakhir - Selamat pagi, Jakarta (Good Morning, Jakarta)
Back Vocal: Miranti, Yosua Cahyo Ndaru
Trumpet: Made Indrayana
Trombone: Johannes Dewes
Bass: Yosua Cahyo Ndaru
Drum: Waldo Shariff
Arranger/Recording Engineer: Ivan "Iponk" Gojaya
Brass Arranger: Made Indrayana
Recording Engineer: Irene
Mix Engineer: Made Indrayana
Mastering Engineer: Benjamin Gallagher
Vocal, Back Vocal, Keyboard, Bass, and Drum recorded at Roemah Iponk Studio
Trumpet, Trombone recorded at HAW Hamburg Tonlabor
Artwork by Ai
Without further ado, please enjoy, a song that I made, played by my so-called-band that I don't even know whether we are still existing or not. The song is available on itunes
, spotify, groove, google music, etc.
Cheers!( Selamat Pagi, JakartaCollapse )
- Music:selamat pagi, Jakarta
I just realised I haven't post my latest original song here. The title is Kita Pernah Tertawa Bersama (we used to laugh together), you pretty much got the idea of the story, no?
So this song is actually a colab with a friend. I always have a keen interest of stories of people around me, it often became my source of new songs. And this one is preetttyyy much like that. It's a bittersweet story (as usual), about failed relationship, but let's face it, we used to laugh together, but no more.
Here it is!( The lyricCollapse )
- Music:Aoi Bench
This is something that I truly believe. Based on my past experience with people and my personal experience, no matter how much you try, if you don't have any interest on something or someone, you just don't feel like it. It's highly logical. Why would you spend minutes, hours, days, months for something that you don't feel like to?
But sometimes, whether you like it or not, you have to make time. Probably it's because you already made some word about it, or it's part of your responsibility, or probably just for being nice. Sometimes important things become unimportant, and unimportant things become important becaue of this. But (again), we are the one who set the priorities, set the bar of things that we thought is important. So the question of whether you'd like to make time for certain thing or someone in your life willl heavily depends on these abstract variables to determine whether something is important enough for you or not.
Unfortunately, life is annoying, and I'm an egoistical bastard who demand things that I care about to be important also for you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and....
Still in the spirit of the holy month, I'd like to deliver my Eid greetings to everyone. May peace and blessings be upon us all.
So what happened with my life in the past few months? Not much. But one of my bigggeeesst dream is finally came true: I am going to record my song properly. Or was. Whatever.
According to soundcloud, I have 18 original songs, 15 with lyrics, 3 instrumentals. I have other two songs that I put in youtube, so total I have 20 songs? Which is just laying there... in my social media account... just like that.
Two months ago, I had a talk with my friend, who is taking his master degree in sound design (?) in Germany. I told him that I want to record my song properly, but I don't know how, and he said that he's willing to help, to be the producer. Annndd that's how everything's begin. I then contacted some of my friends, asking for their help to join me in this project. After some ups and downs, we finally recorded two of my songs last weekend.
And boy, that was fuuun, and awesooomme.
And I'm happy. Very.
Then reality bites. Monday (yesterday) came. I was half awake (since I only slept for 4 hours). I arrived at the office little bit late. And I just sat on my desk. Trying to do some work, and couldn't. I just... blank, and dumbfounded. Suddenly I feel like I don't know what to do or say.
"What the f*** I'm doing with my life?"
I sat in my office, can't think, can't feel. I feel completely clueless (again) on what to do with my future, with my life. I thought that, after being alive for almost 30 yearss, I finally found something that I can root for, something that I can stand for. But nope. It's not there, it's not coming, and I'm still as clueless as before on what to do with my life. What I'm doing now is not what excites me, but what excites me will not pay for my bills (or in this case, my future mortgage, if we finally decided to own a shop).
So I called one of my close friend (thank God it's only 3 hours time difference), and as she said, be patient. Just, be patient, cause everything will fall into places.
So here I am, in my office, try to do my job, while keep on gazing to the heavy rain, wishing and hoping (and trying!) that everything will be ok.