M

Finding Refuge

It has been years since the looming feeling of inadequacy usurping my mind. I often doubt my own capability, question my own skill, distrust my own opinion, and it intensified in the past half year.

I have been trying my best to climb out that deep well of insecurity, but every time I climb 2 steps, somehow I keep on falling back 3 steps. It feels like I am stuck in this web of string that keeps me not going anywhere. I need to get out, or a helping hand to take me out.

And here I am, still in the same blog that I made more than a decade ago, trying to find a refuge in a familiar place while cocooning under my bed cover and listening to DEH soundtrack. The combination of insecurity, inadequacy, the feeling of nothingness...

Will I be found?

M

Gini loh gaes

Sorry, I'm in the mood of shouting in Bahasa Indonesia.

I'm pissed. Like, totally pissed. To people. Or certain people, who not only talked about me behind my back, but also ensure that anyone who seems like a threat for this person would be talked and smeared. 

I'm pissed, because this person could not accept that there are different views in life, that this person's view or opinion might not be the best. That this person could be wrong. That this person could not apprehend the difference in life by always showing that this person knows the best, know everything, that this person has lots of power over other people.

I'm pissed, because my favourite people became the victim of the vicious words and twisted minds. That we had to deal with the darkness emitted from this person's soiled heart. 

I'm pissed, because no matter how much I try, I couldn't get this person out of my periphery. 

But like Michelle Obama said, when they go low, we go high. You might tried your best to ensure we feel like we know nothing. But guess what? Probably it is time for you to lower your head, be humble, and acknowledge that people do not like you because of you, not us. Meanwhile, we will still continue our life surrounded by people who love us, who care about us, and who ensure we all grow together.

M


M

Nothingness

It is one of my biggest fear, to feel that I am insignificant, that I am nothing. And how lucky I am to feel that from someone that I care effing much (yes, I am being sarcastic). That after all this time, all the effort to ease your mind, to make you laugh, to ensure that you are OK, were just for.... nothing. Not even a single "Thank you for your support" or "Thank you for all your thoughts". Nothing.

But that's fine. I knew it will just ended up like this. Just like you said, I am not special. My function is replaceable. So good to know that you have all these people that support you. I will be around, and I will be here if you need anything...

...even though you make me feel like I am nothing.

M

Thank you

We often neglect things that without realising it, it matters the most to us. Friendship, kindness, something that for lots of people are just a very common thing, might be something precious for others. In the past weeks, I realised that I was surrounded with great friends who cares for me deeply. People that will be there during my ups and downs, shoulders to cry on, people who reach out to me and ensure that I am OK.

For everyone who has been there for me, thank you. From deep down inside. I will try to not take it for granted, that may all your kindness will be replied by other greatness. 

For everyone who hasn't been there for me, thank you. I finally know what friendship is for you. 

M

M

Panic attack

I just had a three days off and on my last day now. I had a great time, I was with my best friends, now I'm on my hotel bed, and suddenly I feel panic. I don't know why. I feel like crying.

What should I do?
M

I have ideas

and I don't know what to do about those ideas. Who to talk with, who to discuss with. Ideas about innovation, apps, etc. Ideas that I already have for ages, and I am afraid it will only ended up in my mind or in my notebook. I have been searching where I can share ideas and people can pick up my ideas to be realised, but I am not sure. I still want some ownership of my ideas.

Help?

M

[untitled]

A friend told me last week that I should be egoistical sometimes, that I have to think about myself too and not being too nice. "Why should you care about other people if it's not reciprocal?" Cause in the end, I deserved to be cared too.

I thought friendship isn't about taking for granted, it's about empathy, the willingness to listen, to reach out. To care. A mutual interaction that is based on honesty and a degree of trust. 

I care, and like what I have said many times, I will support as much as I could. And it's pretty obvious that you don't have the mutual perspective. "How are you", "Are you OK?", "How was your day?" were never out from you. 

And in the end, I have become a list, a tick off. If this is what friendship is, an interaction based on a list, an obligation to fulfill your sense of daily achievement, then I do not want it. 

You asked whether I expected a "You're welcome". The answer is no. What I expect is a "What's your story today?" or a "I had a shitty day. Care to listen to my rant"?. What I expect is a human relationship that comes from the heart, not from compulsion. 

Probably I'm asking too much. Probably I'm the one who's wrong, pushing you too hard to be someone that you are not: someone who cares. 

So here I am. Waving and bowing down, to mark an end of a chapter.

Thank you.

M

Words

I was on my friend's car when I heard Subaru's Words after like... a decade. The simplicity of the whole song, the music, the voice, the rawness of the production, I just love it. And after a decade, I just read that the song was a live recording after Subaru wrote the song. On the spot. In only one take.

Then why I wrote about this? We all know it's the end of an era for Eighters. The end of the "have fun go mad" era that was hit hard by the reality of fame and want. Life keeps on going, and sometimes changes are unavoidable. But human beings are very adaptive and permeable. When life gives you lemon, you either make a lemonade, make an infused water, or put it on your face as a face mask. 

The point is, Words is a feel good song that somehow make me realised how life have changed since the first time I heard that song.

M


commonly unique

[space bar]

Space bar is important, it's the one that make this sentence readable instead of lookinglikethis. Space is what makes the sentence logical, that even though there are blank spaces between words, it's actually what makes the sentence intact and feel complete. We may think it as given, but looking at how long the space bar is, we can see how important space bar is: we must be able to reach it, whether we type with left or right hand.

Just like life itself, space is needed. To have a room to breath, to have the audacity of our own thoughts, to have an area to stretch our hands. Hence why I like minimalist approach for my photos. Those negative spaces and the contrast between the elements? Definitely my thing. 

But then unlike sentences, sometimes I do not want space. Sometimes I just want to cram in an embrace, cry out loud, and being told that everything will be OK.

M

commonly unique

Hi

I know it's been a while, simply because I was hesitant with the new EULA. But I can't help it, I need a place for me to vent, so I thought, whatever. I'll just say I agree so I can use this blog again.

So what happened with me in the past few years? Lots of things, but unfortunately music is not there. I give up. I lost to the reality that I'm not going anywhere, and my music will not be listened by more people. So I give up. 

What's there is photography. My new artistic vent. But I am pretty sure it's not going far either.

And here I am, in my old journal.

M